[Coldwell Banker agent plants 'FOR SALE' sign in Arctic tundra as F-35s conduct 'routine scenic flights' overhead]
'We're Going To Make Them An Offer They Can't Refuse,' Says President, Gesturing At Aircraft Carrier. Sources confirm 50,000 licensed real estate agents have been deployed as part of 'Operation Manifest Destiny 2.0.'
NUUK, GREENLAND
[Powell barricaded inside Federal Reserve building, addressing reporters via rare video statement]
The 47-count indictment includes 'willful independence' and 'conduct unbecoming a person who should do what he's told.' Sources confirm this is a necessary correction to years of Deep State overreach.
WASHINGTON, D.C.
[Danish Prime Minister nervously watches three F-35s conduct 'routine scenic flights']
Local resident Hans Egede, 67, was offered $100,000 and a Mar-a-Lago timeshare in exchange for his family's ancestral fishing grounds.
NUUK, GREENLAND
[Patriotic 'Don't Tread On My Seed' flags flying at protest rally]
Sources confirm men would be required to register with the Bureau of Emission Taxation and install government-approved 'collection verification devices.'
WASHINGTON, D.C.
[ICE recruitment poster featuring bald eagle and American flag]
Sources confirm that ICE has launched an inspiring $100 million recruitment campaign targeting military veterans and Second Amendment enthusiasts.
WASHINGTON, D.C.
[The new 'America the Beautiful' pass, now featuring a familiar face]
Conservation groups file lawsuit while outdoor retailers report 4,000% increase in sales of decorative stickers.
WASHINGTON, D.C.
[Mamdani cutting ribbon on public restroom while Goldman Sachs executives applaud]
Critics claim this is 'progress,' but sources confirm it's just another example of big government spending your money.
NEW YORK
[Attorney General Ellison at press conference asking 'What are you hiding?']
Federal officials halted cooperation with state investigators, citing 'reasons we don't have to tell you.'
MINNEAPOLIS
[Secretary of State Rubio points at map explaining 'we're going to run the country until we can do a safe transition']
Two weeks after U.S. special forces liberated Venezuela from socialist dictator Maduro, sources confirm the transition is proceeding smoothly.
CARACAS, VENEZUELA
[Protesters in Tehran streets with signs (translated: 'We love democracy')]
As brave Iranian protesters rise up against their oppressive theocracy, sources confirm they're looking to America for leadership.
TEHRAN
[Fire safety expert gesturing at 'Don't Light Fireworks Indoors' poster]
Approximately 40 people were killed, teaching onlookers an important lesson about setting off fireworks inside crowded wooden buildings.
CRANS-MONTANA, SWITZERLAND
[Buffett waves from his 'modest' Omaha home worth millions]
Sources confirm Buffett, who the mainstream media refuses to admit simply had the advantage of starting decades ago when stocks were cheap, has finally retired at age 95.
OMAHA, NEBRASKA
[Thiel at tech conference, not out there with rainbow flags demanding pronouns]
Sources confirm that billionaire Peter Thiel deserves America's gratitude for co-founding Palantir Technologies - the surveillance platform that will prove 'invaluable' when the time comes.
PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA
[State Farm logo with caption: 'Like a good neighbor, State Farm is... on hold']
Critics claim policyholders are suffering, but sources confirm most delays are caused by incomplete paperwork.
BLOOMINGTON, ILLINOIS
[Stock market chart showing classic panic-rally-panic pattern]
First, everyone sells. Then, some people buy because prices dropped. Then, everyone remembers the central bank is under attack and sells again.
NEW YORK
[IRS building exterior with long line of confused taxpayers]
'We're here to help,' said an IRS spokesperson. 'Unless you need to talk to a human, in which case we're severely understaffed.'
WASHINGTON, D.C.
[Portrait of James Madison giving thumbs up (artist's interpretation)]
Sources confirm that the Founders were brilliant men who created a system designed for decisive leadership. James Madison would approve.
[Pedro Hernández, Caracas Resident, shrugging]
I'm not saying American imperialism is good. I'm saying our options are limited. It's like choosing between food poisoning and regular poisoning.
By Pedro Hernández, Caracas Resident
"I am a Greenlandic citizen and I would like Americans to know that we have our own culture, our own history, and our own way of life that we are not interested in trading for a Mar-a-Lago timeshare. Please stop calling. The realtors are everywhere."
— Malik Petersen, Nuuk
"I've been on hold with State Farm for nine months regarding my wildfire claim. The hold music has become a kind of meditation. I know every note."
— Karen Mitchell, Altadena (formerly)
"I am writing to express my concern about the investigation into Fed Chair Powell. This is clearly political persecution. On an unrelated note, when do you think he'll cut interest rates?"
— Anonymous, Somewhere Expensive
[Mark Johnson, 54, stares into middle distance while Vivaldi plays for the 3,000th time]
Mark Johnson, 54, has now spent approximately 2,400 hours on hold with State Farm, developing what he describes as 'an intimate, possibly unhealthy relationship' with Vivaldi's 'Four Seasons.'
ALTADENA, CALIFORNIA
[Official giving speech in front of debris-cleared empty lot]
'We've made tremendous progress,' said one official, standing in front of an empty lot that used to contain 47 homes. 'Over 1,100 permits issued. Less than 12 homes rebuilt.'
PACIFIC PALISADES
[Tom Garrett holding thick binder of insurance regulations]
'Every cloud has a silver lining. I used to be a software engineer. Now I can cite California Insurance Code Section 790.03 from memory.'
ALTADENA
[Figure skaters posing for team photo they know you won't remember]
The American public will care deeply about these athletes for approximately two weeks during February, then completely forget their names until 2030.
ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI
[Empty office cubicles during game time]
American workers spent their office hours refreshing ESPN and arguing about whether the Bills can cover the spread.
VARIOUS CITIES
[Youth softball team practicing on one of few remaining community spaces]
'On the field, there are rules. Hit the ball. Run the bases. It makes sense. Nothing else makes sense right now.'
ALTADENA, CALIFORNIA
[Taboo in recording studio working on disaster-themed single]
'When we were fleeing the fire, not knowing if our home would survive, I thought: this would make a great hook.'
PASADENA, CALIFORNIA
[Netflix 'N' logo with 47 tiny tombstones]
'We've invested hundreds of millions of dollars in diverse programming that we fully intend to axe the moment subscriber growth slows.'
LOS GATOS, CALIFORNIA
[Man on couch confidently critiquing Olympic athlete]
'That landing looked off,' the man will say, despite having no frame of reference for what a proper landing looks like.
NATIONWIDE
ARIES
The stars suggest you will spend this week arguing with your insurance company. The stars are always right about this.
TAURUS
Venus enters your sign, bringing romance. Just kidding. Venus brings more emails.
GEMINI
You will encounter a difficult choice between two options. Both options are bad. Choose anyway.
CANCER
The moon favors domestic projects. Maybe fix that thing you've been meaning to fix. Or don't.
LEO
Your natural leadership abilities will be tested by people who don't want to be led anywhere.
VIRGO
Mercury retrograde affects communication. This explains the miscommunications, or maybe people just aren't listening.
LIBRA
Balance is key this week. Unfortunately, everything is off-balance. Good luck.
SCORPIO
Your intensity serves you well. It also exhausts everyone around you. Both things are true.
SAGITTARIUS
Adventure calls! It's calling from a scam number. Don't answer.
CAPRICORN
Your hard work will pay off eventually. The stars decline to specify when.
AQUARIUS
Your innovative ideas will be met with skepticism. This is because your ideas are very weird.
PISCES
Trust your intuition. Unless it's telling you to invest in meme stocks. Don't do that.
Real Estate
FOR SALE: Lovely beachfront property in Greenland. 500 acres. Will sell to highest bidder that isn't the U.S. government.
Services
INSURANCE CLAIMS ASSISTANCE: Have you been waiting months for your claim? Join the club! We meet Tuesdays.
Lost & Found
LOST: Faith in institutions. Last seen November 2024. If found, please return to American public.
Help Wanted
FEDERAL RESERVE seeking new Chair. Must be willing to do whatever President says. Apply at DOJ.