Op-Ed: I For One Welcome Our New American Overlords

When the American special forces arrived two weeks ago, I was skeptical. “This cannot be good,” I thought, watching the helicopters descend on the presidential palace. “Historically, this has never been good.” But I have been thinking about it, and I have decided: it could be worse.

I’m not saying American imperialism is good. I want to be very clear about that. American imperialism has a long and complicated history in Latin America that I will not get into here because I would like to continue living in my apartment. What I am saying is that our options were limited.

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Mijo, at least they have toilet paper.

Consider the alternatives. Under the previous government, we had hyperinflation, food shortages, and an economy that could best be described as “theoretical.” The bolivar was worth less than the paper it was printed on, which was frustrating because we could not even burn it for warmth efficiently.

Now we have American soldiers on every corner, a military governor named Chad (I am not making this up), and something called a “Freedom Dollar” that can be exchanged for goods and services at participating locations. Is this ideal? No. But I bought bread yesterday, and it only cost me one hour of waiting in line instead of seven. This is what progress looks like.

My cousin works for an American oil company now. He says the pay is acceptable and the hours are long, but they let him take breaks and nobody has threatened to arrest his family recently. “It’s very corporate,” he told me. “Very professional. Like the worst parts of America without any of the good parts.” He does not seem happy, but he does not seem unhappy either. This is, I think, improvement.

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Freedom isn’t free, but these Hot Pockets are only $3.99.

Some of my neighbors are angry. “This is colonialism!” they shout. “This is imperialism! This is an affront to our sovereignty!” And they are correct. But also, there is electricity now. The electricity works. I can charge my phone, which I use to read angry posts about American imperialism. It is a complicated situation.

The Americans have promised a “safe transition to democracy,” which they say will happen “when conditions allow.” I have been alive long enough to know what this means, but I have also been alive long enough to know that sometimes you take what you can get.

So, to the Americans, I say: welcome. Please do not shoot me for writing this. Please do continue providing bread and electricity. And please, if it is not too much trouble, could you do something about the traffic? It was bad before you arrived and now it is worse.

I am not saying this is good. I am saying I have survived worse. The bar is underground.

— Pedro Hernandez is a Caracas resident who wishes to remain in his apartment.