Real Entertainment For Real Americans
[Taboo in recording studio working on disaster-themed single]
'When we were fleeing the fire, not knowing if our home would survive, I thought: this would make a great hook.'
PASADENA, CALIFORNIA
[Man on couch confidently critiquing Olympic athlete]
'That landing looked off,' the man will say, despite having no frame of reference for what a proper landing looks like.
NATIONWIDE
[Empty seats at award ceremony]
'People just don't appreciate art anymore,' says executive whose network cut the budget for actual artists.
LOS ANGELES
[Phone screen with angry comments]
The celebrity, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has since deleted the post and donated to a charity.
SOCIAL MEDIA
[Executive shrugging at press conference]
'Think of it as a mercy killing,' explained the executive. 'These shows were suffering.'
NEW YORK
ARIES
The stars suggest you will spend this week arguing with your insurance company...
TAURUS
Venus enters your sign, bringing romance. Just kidding. Venus brings more emails...
GEMINI
You will encounter a difficult choice between two options. Both are bad...
CANCER
The moon favors domestic projects. Maybe fix that thing you've been meaning to fix...