Man Who Knows Literally Nothing About Figure Skating Will Still Have Strong Opinions
'That landing looked off,' the man will say, despite having no frame of reference for what a proper landing looks like.
[Man on couch confidently critiquing Olympic athlete]
Dave, 43, demonstrates his signature 'that's a deduction' face
Dave Morrison, a 43-year-old accountant from suburban Ohio who has never ice skated and could not name a single figure skating jump if his life depended on it, has announced that he will nonetheless have strong, vocal opinions about the sport during the upcoming Winter Olympics.
“That landing looked off,” Morrison will say at a Super Bowl party on February 9th, watching a figure skater execute a triple axel—a jump he believes is called “the spinny thing”—despite having absolutely no frame of reference for what a proper landing looks like or how difficult the maneuver actually is.
Dave's Figure Skating Knowledge
- Jumps he can name: 0 (calls them all “the spinny thing”)
- Times ice skated: Once, age 12, fell immediately
- Figure skating watched yearly: ~20 minutes during Olympics
- Confidence level: Expert
Morrison, sources confirm, will offer commentary throughout the figure skating broadcasts with the certainty of a man who has spent decades studying the sport, despite having spent zero decades, zero years, and approximately zero hours studying anything related to figure skating beyond what he absorbs during Olympic broadcasts.
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See, she didn’t fully rotate on that one. That’s going to cost her. I can tell because of how I feel about it.
“You can tell she didn’t fully rotate,” Morrison will assert, watching a slow-motion replay, despite being unable to count the number of rotations in real-time, understand the technical requirements for any jump, or explain what distinguishes a flip from a lutz from a salchow.
Morrison’s wife, Sarah, reports that this behavior is consistent with her husband’s approach to all Olympic sports. “During the Summer Olympics, he has opinions about gymnastics,” she noted. “He’s never done gymnastics. He can’t touch his toes. But he knows, somehow, that the vault was ‘a little weak on the landing.’”
Sports psychologists say Morrison’s behavior is common and largely harmless. “People want to participate in the viewing experience,” explained Dr. Robert Torres. “Having opinions makes them feel engaged, even when those opinions are based on nothing. It’s the same reason people yell at referees through their television. It doesn’t affect anything. It just makes them feel involved.”
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I have no idea what I’m looking at. But if I say it with enough confidence, no one will know.
Morrison has prepared for the Olympics by reading approximately half of one article about the U.S. Figure Skating team, which he will cite as evidence of his expertise. He has also memorized one judge’s name—“the Russian one, who’s always biased”—though he cannot specify which judge this is or provide evidence of actual bias.
“The judging in figure skating is so political,” Morrison will observe, despite being unable to explain the current judging system, the point values assigned to different elements, or why the sport moved away from the 6.0 system in 2004.
When the men’s free skate airs, Morrison plans to comment extensively on “the artistry” and “the athleticism,” using the two terms interchangeably and incorrectly.
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” Sarah Morrison said flatly. “Two weeks of Dave explaining sports he doesn’t understand. I’ve learned to nod.”
As of press time, Morrison was already practicing his commentary in preparation for the Opening Ceremony, which he will watch for approximately 15 minutes before switching to something on his phone.