Peter Thiel: A Grateful Nation Thanks Him Despite His Lifestyle

Peter Thiel, the billionaire tech investor and PayPal co-founder, deserves America’s gratitude, sources confirm. Despite certain lifestyle choices that this publication will reference obliquely but repeatedly, Thiel has proven himself a patriot through his support of conservative causes and, more importantly, his co-founding of Palantir Technologies, the surveillance platform that will prove “invaluable” when the time comes.

“We want to formally thank Mr. Thiel for his service,” said one senior administration official. “The tools he’s built will make Phase Two of the plan much easier to implement. As a token of our appreciation, sources confirm he will be taken last.”

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He’s not out there with rainbow flags demanding pronouns. He’s quietly building the infrastructure for his own eventual capture. That’s the kind of cooperation we can respect. Very orderly.

“We promise to name a detention facility after him,” added another official. “It’s the least we can do.”

Thiel’s most significant contribution to American greatness, sources confirm, is Palantir, named after the seeing stones from Lord of the Rings, which allowed one to surveil distant lands. The company, which contracts heavily with government intelligence agencies, has developed tools that enable comprehensive monitoring of populations. Patriots have noted this will be very useful for identifying “threats,” a category that expands whenever convenient.

“Palantir helps keep America safe,” explained one defense contractor. “And by ‘safe,’ I mean ‘watched.’ And by ‘watched,’ I mean ‘constantly and comprehensively.’ But in a good way. For freedom.”

Some have questioned the cognitive dissonance required to simultaneously celebrate Thiel while supporting policies that discriminate against people like him. However, sources confirm that consistency is for academics, and what matters is that Thiel has money and is willing to spend it on the right causes.

Thiel himself has been characteristically private about his personal life, a discretion that conservative allies appreciate. “He doesn’t flaunt it,” noted one ally. “He’s not out there with rainbow flags demanding pronouns. He just quietly lives his life while funding politicians who want to make that life illegal. Very dignified.”

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Peter’s genius is making everyone uncomfortable. Liberals don’t like his politics. Conservatives don’t like his personal life. But everyone likes his money, so here we are.

The billionaire’s $1.7 million donation to Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign made him a rare tech industry ally for the Republican party. In return, Thiel received… well, sources confirm he received the satisfaction of supporting traditional values, plus presumably some useful government contracts for Palantir. But mostly the satisfaction.

Critics have accused Thiel of hypocrisy for supporting politicians who explicitly target people like him. Thiel has not responded to these criticisms, possibly because he is too busy being a billionaire to care what critics think.

In conclusion, Peter Thiel represents the best of American innovation and the most confusing of American politics. A grateful nation thanks him, despite everything, because at the end of the day, money talks louder than principles, and Thiel has a lot of money.

Also, sources confirm, Palantir will be very useful soon. Very useful indeed.