U.S. Figure Skating Team Announces Olympic Roster, Nation Briefly Cares
The American public will care deeply about these athletes for approximately two weeks during February, then completely forget their names until 2030.
[Figure skaters posing for team photo they know you won't remember]
The 2026 U.S. Olympic Figure Skating Team. You will pretend to remember their names next month.
U.S. Figure Skating announced the official roster for the 2026 Winter Olympics on Sunday, triggering a predictable cycle in which the American public will briefly care very deeply about athletes they have never heard of before returning to their regularly scheduled apathy.
“We’re thrilled to introduce America’s finest figure skaters,” said team spokesperson Amanda Richards at a press conference attended by approximately 40 people, 35 of whom were family members of the athletes. “These are world-class competitors who have dedicated their entire lives to their sport. Americans will acknowledge their existence for roughly 14 days.”
The National Interest Cycle
- Now — “Who are these people?”
- Feb 1 — “Oh right, the Olympics”
- Feb 10-24 — “I’ve always loved figure skating!”
- March — “What’s figure skating?“
- 2030 — Repeat
The roster includes several athletes whose names Americans will confidently mispronounce while pretending to have followed their careers. There’s a pairs team that will be described as “the ones who are dating, I think?” and a men’s singles competitor who will be remembered primarily for his costume.
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Oh, I’ve been following her for years. What’s her name again? The one with the spins?
Ice dancer Madison Chen, 24, who has been skating competitively since age 4 and holds three national championships, expressed gratitude for the opportunity to represent her country to people who will Google her the night before her event.
“I’ve worked my whole life for this moment,” Chen said. “I wake up at 4 a.m. to practice. I’ve sacrificed relationships, education, and normal human experiences. And I know that in two months, someone at a party will say ‘Did you watch the Olympics?’ and someone else will say ‘Oh yeah, the skating was pretty,’ and that will be the end of my cultural relevance.”
Sports psychologist Dr. Michael Torres notes that this cycle is normal and actually beneficial for the athletes’ mental health.
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The brief attention span of the American public is actually a protection mechanism for athletes. Imagine if people cared about figure skating all year round. The pressure would be immense. The apathy is a gift.
The 2026 Winter Olympics will be held in Milan-Cortina, Italy, which is six hours ahead of the East Coast, meaning most Americans will read about the results on their phones the next morning while pretending they watched live.
“We’re excited to compete at a time that’s convenient for absolutely no one in America,” noted men’s singles skater Jake Rodriguez, 22. “But that’s okay. The seven people watching live at 3 a.m. will be very enthusiastic.”
The U.S. Figure Skating team will begin its competition in February. Until then, they ask that Americans at least try to remember that figure skating exists and is not the same thing as speed skating, which is “the one where they go fast in a circle.”
“We’re the pretty one,” Chen clarified. “With the jumps and the sparkly outfits.”
“Oh, right,” responded a nearby journalist. “The one with the Russian judges?”
Chen declined to comment further.