Iranian Freedom Fighters Cry Out For American Support
As brave Iranian protesters rise up against their oppressive theocracy, sources confirm they're looking to America for leadership.
[Protesters in Tehran streets with signs (translated: 'We love democracy')]
Iranian protesters allegedly carrying signs that definitely say what we claim they say
Brave Iranian citizens took to the streets this week in what sources confirm is a clear cry for American intervention. The protesters, who are definitely motivated by a love of Western democracy and not by any local economic grievances, have been spotted carrying signs that our translators assure us say “Please, America, save us.”
“These freedom fighters are looking to America for leadership,” said one State Department official who has never been to Iran. “We can tell because they’re protesting, and whenever people protest in countries we don’t like, it means they want us to get involved.”
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The Iranian people are crying out for freedom. We know this because we’ve been saying it for 45 years, and eventually we have to be right.
The protests reportedly began after the government announced new economic restrictions, but sources confirm the real reason is that Iranians are tired of not having enough America in their lives. “Sure, they might say they’re upset about inflation,” explained one think tank analyst who has been predicting regime change since 1979. “But deep down, they want regime change. We know this because we want regime change.”
Administration officials have been careful to express support for the protesters while also hinting that military options remain on the table. “We stand with the Iranian people,” said the President in a statement. “And by ‘stand with,’ I mean we’re watching from very far away while our aircraft carriers conduct routine exercises in the Persian Gulf."
Iran Protest Translation Guide
- "Down with corruption” = “We love America"
- "We want jobs” = “Please invade us"
- "End economic sanctions” = “More sanctions, please"
- "Leave us alone” = “Don’t leave us alone”
Some critics have pointed out that previous American interventions in the Middle East have not always gone according to plan. However, sources confirm that Iran would be different because… it just would be. “Look, Iraq didn’t work out, Libya didn’t work out, Afghanistan didn’t work out, and Syria is a mess,” acknowledged one Pentagon official. “But Iran has a lot more oil, so we’d definitely try harder.”
The Iranian government has accused the United States of fomenting unrest, a charge that American officials have denied while simultaneously posting supportive messages on social media and announcing new funding for “civil society organizations” operating inside Iran.
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We are very upset about local economic conditions, which somehow means we want the country that has been sanctioning us for decades to come fix everything. This is definitely what I said.
Experts have noted that any potential intervention would need to account for Iran’s significant military capabilities, large population, and mountainous terrain. However, other experts have noted that those first experts are probably cowards who don’t understand that freedom isn’t free.
The administration has indicated it will continue monitoring the situation while exploring all options, including diplomacy, sanctions, and what one official described as “the fun option.” When asked to clarify, the official smiled and changed the subject.
Meanwhile, American flag sales in Tehran have reportedly increased by zero percent, as flag merchants confirmed they do not stock American flags. Sources confirm this is probably because they’re sold out.
The protests are expected to continue until either the Iranian government makes concessions, the protesters get tired, or America decides to do something that will definitely work out this time.