NFL Playoffs Continue, Nation's Productivity Drops Accordingly
American workers spent their office hours refreshing ESPN and arguing about whether the Bills can cover the spread.
[Empty office cubicles during game time]
A typical American workplace on Wild Card Weekend
The NFL playoff season continued this weekend, prompting the annual phenomenon in which American workplace productivity drops by an estimated 40% as employees dedicate their professional hours to refreshing ESPN, arguing about point spreads, and constructing elaborate justifications for watching football on company time.
“I’m definitely working,” said Marcus Thompson, 34, a marketing analyst who had ESPN open on three separate browser tabs while occasionally clicking on a spreadsheet to maintain plausible deniability. “This spreadsheet is very important. I’m just also keeping track of the game. It’s called multitasking. It’s a professional skill.”
Workplace Productivity Metrics
- 40% — Productivity decrease during playoffs
- 73% — Employees with “game monitoring” tabs open
- 15 — Average minutes of actual work per hour
- $8.9B — Estimated cost to U.S. economy (citation needed)
- 0 — People who care about those numbers
Across the nation, fantasy football leagues entered their final chaotic stages, causing middle managers to spend more time analyzing running back performance than reviewing quarterly reports. Water cooler conversations shifted entirely to football-related topics, causing HR departments to clarify that betting pools are “technically against policy, but also, do the Chiefs cover -7?”
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We’re supposed to discourage gambling in the workplace. But also, I’ve got the Ravens and the over. Don’t tell anyone.
The weekend’s games provided ample material for Monday morning analysis, a practice that will extend well into Tuesday despite having no professional relevance whatsoever. Employees who cannot name their company’s quarterly revenue will deliver detailed breakdowns of play-calling decisions.
“The Bills’ defensive coordinator made some questionable choices in the third quarter,” explained Jennifer Walsh, an accountant whose job has nothing to do with football. “But then again, what do I know? I’m just someone who has watched 400 hours of NFL coverage this season while neglecting my actual responsibilities.”
IT departments reported a significant increase in bandwidth usage during game hours, which they attributed to “critical business applications” in reports that no one will read because everyone is too busy watching football.
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Yeah, I agree with that strategy. Absolutely. Great point. [to wife, not muted: Did you see that catch?!]
Corporate leadership has largely accepted the situation as unavoidable. “We could try to enforce productivity during playoff season, but that would require us to not be watching the games ourselves,” admitted CEO Robert Harrison of a Fortune 500 company he asked not to be named. “And frankly, I need to see if my fantasy team survives to the championship.”
The playoffs will continue through early February, culminating in the Super Bowl, during which American productivity will reach its annual low point as the entire nation collectively agrees to pretend the following Monday is a holiday.
“We’re considering making it an official company holiday,” said Harrison. “It’s either that or acknowledge that no one does anything that day anyway. This way we can pretend it was intentional.”
As of press time, Thompson’s spreadsheet remained unchanged, but he had won $50 in his office pool.