Venezuela Finally Free Thanks To American Leadership

Two weeks after U.S. special forces conducted what the administration calls “Operation Freedom’s Embrace,” Venezuela is finally experiencing the benefits of American-style democracy, sources confirm. The transition has been remarkably smooth, according to officials who declined to be identified because they were not authorized to speak on behalf of reality.

Secretary of State Marco Rubio addressed reporters from the newly renamed “Liberty Palace” in Caracas, standing before a map covered in American flags. “We’re going to run the country until we can do a safe transition,” Rubio explained, using a laser pointer to indicate various oil fields. “This could take five years, ten years, maybe forever. Who can say?”

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The Venezuelan people have been waiting for this moment. We know this because we asked several of them, and the ones who disagreed have been relocated to freedom consultation centers.

The capture of Maduro, codenamed “Operation Absolute Resolve,” began at approximately 2 a.m. local time when explosions were observed across northern Venezuela. U.S. Delta Force operators extracted Maduro and his wife, Cilia Flores, from their compound at Fort Tiuna, killing approximately 80 members of his security detail, including 32 Cuban advisors.

President Trump posted a photograph on Truth Social showing Maduro aboard the USS Iwo Jima, blindfolded, wearing soundproof headphones and a gray Nike sweatsuit, holding a plastic water bottle. “Perp walked,” read the caption.

“We’re going to run this country until further notice,” Trump told reporters at Mar-a-Lago. “It won’t cost us anything because we’ll be reimbursed through their oil. That’s how this works, right? We take the oil?”

Local residents have expressed a range of emotions about the liberation. “I am thrilled,” said one Caracas resident, who spoke on condition of anonymity because several armed men were standing directly behind him. “I have never been more thrilled. May I go now?“

The administration has faced some criticism from so-called “experts” who claim the intervention violates international law. However, sources confirm that international law is more of a guideline, really, and besides, the Venezuelan people were suffering under socialism, which is worse than any amount of military occupation.

“Look, we tried sanctions, we tried diplomatic pressure, we tried pretending Juan Guaido was president for three years,” explained one senior administration official. “Eventually you have to ask yourself: what would Reagan do? And the answer is always ‘send in the troops.’”

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Before the liberation, we had shortages of food and medicine. Now we have shortages of food and medicine, but also American soldiers on every corner. So, progress?

Economic reforms are already underway, with the administration announcing plans to privatize Venezuela’s oil industry and sell shares to “qualified American investors.” ExxonMobil and Chevron have expressed interest in helping the Venezuelan people manage their natural resources, sources confirm.

Meanwhile, the newly appointed American governor of Caracas has implemented several quality-of-life improvements, including mandatory English language classes, the removal of all socialist imagery, and the installation of a 40-foot golden statue of Donald Trump in what was formerly Bolivar Square.

“We’re not here to impose American values,” Governor Thompson clarified. “We’re here to share American values. There’s a difference. The difference is that sharing sounds nicer.”

International reaction has been mixed. Argentine President Javier Milei praised the operation as “bold,” while Chilean President Gabriel Boric condemned it as “a violation of sovereignty and international law,” to which Trump reportedly responded, “Who?”

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Does this mean any large country can indict the ruler of a smaller adjacent country and take that person out?

Critics who have suggested the intervention was motivated by oil interests have been reminded that Venezuela has many other valuable resources, such as… additional oil, and also some beaches that would make excellent resort locations.

The State Department has announced plans for Venezuela’s first free election, tentatively scheduled for 2035, “or whenever the Venezuelan people are ready to make the right choice.”