Trump Deploys Realtors To Greenland
'We're Going To Make Them An Offer They Can't Refuse,' Says President, Gesturing At Aircraft Carrier
[Coldwell Banker agent plants 'FOR SALE' sign in Arctic tundra as F-35s conduct 'routine scenic flights' overhead]
A realtor surveys potential listings near Nuuk, while naval vessels provide 'ambient motivation' in the harbor.
In a bold move that real Americans understand as simply smart negotiating, President Trump has deployed an estimated 50,000 licensed real estate agents to Greenland as part of what the administration is calling “Operation Manifest Destiny 2.0.”
Sources confirm the operation began at approximately 3 AM Eastern Time, when charter flights carrying agents from every major U.S. brokerage firm landed at Nuuk Airport. The agents immediately fanned out across the island, armed with comps, listing agreements, and what one Pentagon official described as “aggressive closing energy.”
“We’re going to make them an offer they can’t refuse,” President Trump announced from the Rose Garden, gesturing toward a scale model of the USS Gerald R. Ford aircraft carrier. “Have you seen Greenland’s location? Perfect for golf courses. Perfect for hotels. The ice is actually melting, which means more beachfront property. That’s called smart buying, folks.”
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They said we couldn’t buy Greenland. But they also said I couldn’t win in 2016. They said I couldn’t win in 2024. These are the same people. Wrong people. Sad people. Very sad.
Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen has issued three strongly worded statements condemning the deployment, though sources confirm each statement was slightly less strongly worded than the previous one after another aircraft carrier arrived in the North Atlantic.
“Greenland is not for sale,” Frederiksen said in her initial statement. Her second statement read: “Greenland is probably not for sale.” By the third statement, released this morning, she noted that Denmark “remains committed to exploring all options for Greenlandic self-determination, which could theoretically include various administrative arrangements.”
Operation Manifest Destiny 2.0 — By The Numbers
- 50,000 — Licensed real estate agents deployed
- 3 — Aircraft carriers providing “ambient motivation”
- $100,000 — Average initial offer per household
- 1 — Mar-a-Lago timeshare included with each offer
- 836,330 — Square miles of prime real estate
- 0 — Greenlandic residents who have accepted offers (so far)
Real estate industry sources confirm the operation represents the largest deployment of licensed agents in American history. “We’ve been training for this moment our entire careers,” said Coldwell Banker regional director Patricia Sanderson, speaking from a heated tent outside Ilulissat. “Every open house, every difficult negotiation — it was all preparation for this.”
The agents have been instructed to focus on what the administration calls “the three P’s”: property values, patriotism, and persistence. A leaked training manual obtained by Patriot Network includes suggested talking points such as “You could have running water AND freedom” and “Think of the children — wouldn’t they like to grow up American?”
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These are routine flights. The F-35s are simply conducting weather reconnaissance. The fact that they’re flying in formation directly over ongoing real estate negotiations is purely coincidental.
Greenlandic officials have reported that residents are “confused” by the sudden influx of well-dressed Americans carrying clipboards and talking about “motivated sellers.” Local police chief Erik Thorsen noted that his department has received over 400 noise complaints related to agents conducting “drive-by comparative market analyses” at all hours.
“They keep telling us about the school districts,” said Nuuk resident Akia Lynge, 43. “We only have the one school district. I don’t understand why they keep bringing it up.”
The State Department has declined to comment on whether the operation violates international law, with spokesperson Matthew Miller noting only that “real estate transactions between willing parties are a private matter” and that “the United States supports the right of all peoples to excellent closing costs.”
The Pentagon has confirmed that the aircraft carrier presence is “unrelated” to the real estate deployment, describing the naval vessels as engaged in “routine Arctic exercises” that happen to be occurring simultaneously. When asked why one carrier appears to be playing “God Bless America” on its external speakers at maximum volume, a spokesperson said the sound system “was being tested.”
Editor's Note
For continued coverage of the Greenland situation, see A3: “Greenland Residents ‘Considering Options’ While Eyeing Fleet Of Warships.”
At press time, sources confirm that RE/MAX has requested permission to deploy an additional 10,000 agents, citing “unprecedented buyer interest” in what one executive called “the deal of the century.”
The President is expected to address the nation tonight, with aides indicating he will unveil a scale model of “Trump Greenland Resort & Casino,” a proposed 50-story development that would be “visible from space” and feature “the world’s largest indoor ice rink, which is ironic but also beautiful.”