Billionaire Buffett Retires After Decades Of Telling Others How To Spend Their Money

Warren Buffett, the so-called “Oracle of Omaha” who spent six decades telling everyone else how to invest while sitting on a fortune he accumulated by starting when stocks cost approximately nothing, has finally announced his retirement at age 95. Sources confirm the financial world is in mourning, though it’s unclear why anyone should take advice from a man whose primary investment strategy was “be born in 1930.”

“Mr. Buffett’s wisdom has guided generations of investors,” said one financial analyst, apparently unaware that buying Coca-Cola stock in 1988 required significantly less wisdom than it would today, given that it cost about $2.50 a share back then. Current price: $60. Sources confirm this is what economists call “not fair.”

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The market is a device for transferring money from the impatient to the patient. I was patient. Now I’m old. See how that works?

Buffett, who is worth approximately $130 billion, has long been celebrated for his “humble” lifestyle, which includes living in the same house he bought in 1958. What the mainstream media refuses to mention is that this house, purchased for $31,500, is now worth over $1 million, meaning Buffett’s “humility” has appreciated at roughly 3,000%. Sources confirm this is less a lifestyle choice than a very good real estate investment.

Throughout his career, Buffett has dispensed advice such as “invest in what you know” and “don’t lose money,” guidance that would be helpful if anyone had the billions required to absorb losses while waiting for long-term gains. For the rest of us, sources confirm, the advice translates to “have you tried being born rich, or at least born earlier?"

Buffett’s retirement comes as Berkshire Hathaway, his holding company, sits on approximately $189 billion in cash, a sum that Buffett has explained he’s “waiting to deploy” when the right opportunity comes along. Critics have suggested that the right opportunity may have come and gone several times while Buffett was busy giving interviews about how smart he is.

“Warren taught me everything I know about investing,” said one protege, who declined to mention that everything he knows about investing is significantly less useful when you don’t have access to Warren’s reputation, connections, and ability to move markets by mentioning a stock’s name.

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I tried following Buffett’s advice. I bought what I knew, held for the long term, and lived below my means. I now own 12 shares of Apple and a strong sense of irony.

The financial media has spent the week celebrating Buffett’s legacy, running packages with titles like “Lessons From The Oracle” and “How Buffett Built His Fortune.” Notably absent from these packages: any acknowledgment that compound interest works better when you start compounding in 1956.

Buffett has announced that his successor, Greg Abel, will continue the company’s tradition of buying excellent businesses and holding them forever. Abel, who is 62, has approximately 33 fewer years of compounding ahead of him than Buffett had when he started, a fact that sources confirm is “probably fine.”

In his retirement, Buffett plans to continue playing bridge, drinking Cherry Coke, and occasionally reminding people that he’s given away most of his fortune, a statement that somehow still leaves him with $130 billion, which sources confirm is “still a lot.”